When we decided to homeschool, there was a lot of discussion on what adjustments our kids would have to make, how our schedule and routines would be affected, and how our finances would be impacted. After some planning, we felt prepared. What I didn’t anticipate was the mental adjustment I would experience going from being a working mom (outside of the home) to a stay-at-home mom who homeschools. For the first time in a long time, I found myself dealing with was low self-esteem and low self-worth.
Being With My Kids All Day Long
This may sound strange, but in spite of coming out of the public school classroom, I had to adjust to being around my own kids all day long. The irony, right? I get paid to teach 150 teenagers every day, yet I struggle with being around my own kids all day? Unfortunately, yes! You see its one thing to teach someone else’s kids all day, but it’s a different animal teaching your own. For one, while I taught kids that were around the same age, my four kids were four different ages and had four different needs. The needs I had to address with the kids I taught were limited to a 45 minute class period and surrounded chemistry and classroom management. That’s it. With my own kids, I had to be mom, chauffeur, event coordinator, concierge, referred, cook, custodian, and counselor. Initially, I often felt overwhelmed with all the needs, complaints, requests, and constantly hearing my name called.
I quickly had to learn the importance of self-care and that I wasn’t being selfish because I occasionally had to take mental breaks or carve out some time for myself. When I carved out a little time for myself each day, I was better able to deal with the needs of my household more graciously. As moms, we are nurturers. God blessed us with the ability to pour out each day to our families and community, but running on empty can lead to depression, loneliness, and unhealthy habits.
A huge part of self-care for me was daily Bible study. Prayer and Bible study first thing in the morning was a luxury I didn’t have when I was hustling kids out the door every morning and rushing off to school. But now that I was at home, God filled me up each day and I was able to pour out into my kids without being grouchy or lamenting being around my kids. God helped to give me a new perspective on having my kids with me as well. It was no longer a burden or a drag, but a privilege. He has given me the privilege of watching them overcome challenges, celebrate their successes, and push them towards their dreams.
Additionally, when I began homeschooling my own children, I really get to learn who they are as people. I was also having to address attitudes and behaviors I saw as that are not detrimental to them, but also a reflection of me. Being around my kids all the time gave me a 24/7 mirror held to myself, and sometimes I didn’t like what I saw. Like the fact that my children are highly opinionated (and sometimes overly critical) about EVERYTHING! Or the fact that they often bicker with each other. Welp! The apples don’t fall far from the tree! My kids were a walking conviction for me. God was using them to get my attention! If I wanted to see a change in how my kids behaved with each other, I had to set a different. Example. I had to learn to give grace, be gentle, and exercise self-control. We started homeschool with a study of the Fruits of the Spirit and through addressing these issues with my children, I was forced to address these issues about myself. The constant conviction and constant working on character development and how we related to each other was exhausting at times, but ultimately it has been well worth it. My kids still sometimes drive me crazy with bickering (they are still kids), but they’ve grown, I’ve grown, and we are better able to constructively work through our interpersonal skills with each other. It is my hope that in learning how to relate to each other, my children will be better prepared to relate to others outside the house as they get older.
When God changed my perspective on being around my kids all day, our homeschool life became better. We became closer. I began to appreciate my kids as the treasures they are and I also began to treasure the time I’ve gotten to spend with them, watching them grow. Among the many roles I play as a homeschool mom, I consider myself a gardener. Like a patient gardener, I tend and care for my kids, trusting and believing that every day God is causing them to bloom and grow.
My Children's Education Is My Responsibility
When my kid’s attended public school, I had the luxury of blaming someone else when there were issues. I could blame the teacher if my child wasn’t understanding a math concept. I could blame the principal or a teacher’s classroom management skills if my children had behavior issues. I could have teacher conferences to determine what my child’s academic and emotional needs were and how the school could best address them. Ultimately, my children’s academic, emotional, and social needs were left up to the school and its teachers and administrators. I had to depend on strangers, assume they had my children’s best interests at heart, and depend on what they said because they spent more time around my child than I did.
When I began homeschooling my children all of that changed. I now had the responsibility of determining what my children needed academically, socially, emotionally, and spiritually. I couldn’t blame a broken school system or a lackluster teacher if my kids had a problem. I instead had to research and chart a course for how I could help my child improve. Now, that I spent the majority of my time around my kids and working with them each day, I saw their strengths and their weaknesses.
Shouldering responsibility for my children’s education definitely gave me a sense of freedom, but also a sense of fear. What if I ruin their education and they fall behind? What if they can’t go to college? What if I’m not doing enough academically with them? Shouldering the responsibility of my children’s futures and education felt like too much to bear because it was.
First, I had to accept that no matter how well I taught, no matter how many worksheets and curriculum they go through, there will be gaps in their learning. There would be gaps in their education even if they went to public school. Even though gaps inevitably exist, it doesn’t mean they aren’t filled later on in life.
Second, I had to accept that I am not superwoman. Educating four children is a God-sized task and I have to rely on God to direct our paths each day and to ensure that my children are learning what he wills for them to learn through me. Even though I homeschool my kids, they are NOT going to learn everything from me, nor should they learn everything from me. My ultimate hope is that as my kids get older they will take more and more of the ownership for their education. I want to create lifelong learners, not people who attain some arbitrary educational goal like a diploma and then stop growing. And while my older girls have expressed interest in going to college, college is NOT the only path to gainful employment. The military, trades, culinary school, etc. are also viable options that don’t necessarily involve going into thousands of dollars worth of debt.
Third, I had to understand that I am not recreating public school at home, but instead homeschooling. My kids education extends well beyond what’s in a textbook. There are life skills like cooking, sewing, gardening, and balancing a budget. There is character building. There is discipleship in the Christian faith. There is learning about history and how God has been in control of everything that has ever happened. There is learning how to stick with things that challenge us, and learning how to love one another through difficulty. There are so many things that far surpass what they could’ve gained in the public school and is not measurable on a standardized test.
What I Do Is Not My Identity
After working for ten years outside of the home, I didn’t realize that my identity and worth had become tangled up in my resume, until I became a homeschool mom. I had unwittingly embraced an idea that our society often perpetuates, that a career defines you and what you are able to do as a measure of your worth.
I had busted my butt in college to graduate with honors with a degree in chemistry and I’d always prided myself in my ability to get a decent job. We’d moved around a lot because of my husband’s career, but my degree had always afforded me an open door into good jobs. Even when I went into the classroom, I prided myself on having gone there, not because I couldn’t do anything else, but because I was called to teach. And I felt I was good at it.
Yes, I was still a teacher, just with my own children now, but to outsiders looking in, I was just a glorified stay-at-home mom. I was no longer a wage earner, but a liability, dependent on my husband to provide. I’d gone from a career-woman to June Cleaver and my self-esteem took a nosedive.
Nearly seven years later and I feel ashamed at my arrogance and pride, but thankful that God humbled me and gave me a better perspective. Since when is being a mother, wife, and homeschool mom, something to be ashamed of? It took some time for me to get over myself and who I thought I was, but over time God pointed me to aspire to be a Proverbs 31 woman rather than a woman of the world, full of the world’s values. And guess what? The Proverbs 31 woman not only cared for her husband and her household, but also brought in income!
When I finally let go of who I was, God not only transformed my heart and renewed my thinking, but he also restored the career opportunities I had valued before, but he did it in his way and in his timing. I now teach high school chemistry online to homeschoolers, but I also bring in some additional income into my household. Opportunities which I am blessed to have and which enhance rather than detract from our homeschool life.
